The Party That Never Quits

We had a bit of an all night rave here at the Party the other night.

Cora had woken up a couple of times before we went to bed, so I had given her another bottle to settle her down. At about 3:30 she woke up inconsolable, and Adam got up to settle her. Turns out, all those milks had to come out the other end at some point, which they did... beyond the holding capacity of the nappy.

Once we had changed her and her bed linen, we popped her back into bed and went back to bed ourselves.

My cat, Wortel, made himself comfortable on my feet. I was just beginning to doze off when I felt Adam's cat, Snap, walk up to my stomach.

scratch... scratch...

My brain thought "this is not good"

My rest of my body told it to shut up, it was tired.

Less than thirty seconds later, I was out of bed, holding my nightie away from my body and feeling something run down my leg.

"Adam! Your cat PEED on me!!"

grunt... grunt

"No really!  Eeew!!"

"Just get changed and come back to bed."

"Dude, it's through two blankets, a sheet and a puddle on our bed."

"Get out, really?... Oh man."

"This is so gross"

I got changed, found new sheets and blankets and remade the bed... around Adam, who decided it was too cold to move.

Snap was unceremoniously thrown out of our room, and the door shut soundly.

Back in bed, as Adam snuggled up, I asked

"What time is it?"

"Bit after 4."

"Your cat sucks."

1. Down South, you spend 5 minutes waiting for the hot water tap to heat up. Up North, you wait 5 minutes waiting for the cold water to cool down.

2. Down South, people have a real problem with being bare foot in public. Up North, most kids don't know how to put their socks on right.

3. Down South, people get dressed up to go to the mall. Up North, you're lucky if they put a shirt on over their swimsuit.

4. Down South, they put their heaters on 18°C to warm up. Up North, air conditioners are on 18°C to cool down.

5. Down South, if you get caught in the rain on the street, you run for cover. Up North, you just keep on walking.

6. Down South 25°C requires an air conditioner. Up North, if it's that cold, you half expect snow.

7. Up North, it's no big deal if you wear thongs (flip flops) to church. Down South, the very idea is horrific.

8. Up North, we go to the shopping centre for the air conditioner. Down South, you guessed it, they go for the heater.

9. Up North, we think nothing of driving an hour and a half (or even more) for a day trip. Down South, that takes 3 weeks planning and requires frequent rest stops.

10. Up North, when the rain comes, children beg to be let out to play. Down South, they scamper back inside.

11. Up North, everything is left in the fridge until the very moment you need it. Down South, you can leave the butter out for 3 hours and it's still too hard to spread.

12. Up North, you keep medicines and creams in the fridge, not only because it's the only place "below 30°C" but because it's so wonderful and cool when you use it. Down South, that just sounds pervy.

We here in Australia are laid back to a fault, sometimes, I think. We definitely aren't panic merchants. We certainly haven't canceled the barbie recently. America seems to go all Rita Hayworth over even the smallest thing.

Which is why you guys have the best t.v shows and movies. You're dramatic.

Take the cyclone vs. hurricane categories. Cyclones being southern hemisphere, hurricanes the north. 

We are coming up to cyclone season, and the prediction this year is that we are likely to get a few more than past years, and earlier than normal.  So, I thought I'd share this little comparison thing I found years and years ago.  The wind speeds are close, with ours tending to be a little higher after category 2. Apparently, they're just a good wind storm... nothing to get too excited about. The description of damage up to category 3 pretty much identical. But check out what happens when 4 and 5 pop up....

Category 1 Cyclone: Strongest gust less than 77.67 miles per hour. Negligible house damage. Damage to some crops, trees and caravans. Craft may drag moorings.
Category 1 Hurricane: Winds of 74-95 miles per hour. Minimal damage, primarily to foliage, unanchored mobile homes and poorly constructed signs.

Category 2 Cyclone: Strongest gust 77.67-105.63 miles per hour. Minor house damage. Significant damage to signs, trees and caravans. Heavy damage to some crops. Risk of power failure. Small craft may break moorings.
Category 2 Hurricane: Winds of 96-110 miles per hour. Damage moderate, mobile homes heavily damaged, some damage to roofs and windows of homes.

Category 3 Cyclone: Strongest gust 105.63-139.8 miles per hour. Some roof and structural damage. Some caravans destroyed. Power failure likely.
Category 3 Hurricane: Winds of 111-130 miles per hour. Damage moderate, mobile homes heavily damaged, some damage to roofs and windows of homes.

Category 4 Cyclone: Strongest gust 139.8-173.98 miles per hour. Significant roofing loss and structural damage. Many caravans destroyed and blown away. Dangerous airborne debris. Widespread power failure.
Category 4 Hurricane: winds of 131-155 miles per hour. Damage extreme, homes heavily damaged, complete destruction to mobile homes and large trees uprooted.

Category 5 Cyclone: Gusts more than 173.8 miles per hour. Extremely dangerous with widespread destruction.
Category 5 Hurricane: Winds greater than 155 miles per hour. Damage catastrophic, small buildings blown away or overturned. Few trees left at all.

It's the catastrophic damage v extremely dangerous that gets me.

Oh, and the "few trees left at all."

At. ALL, people.

*ahem*

It could just be my dramatic flair, but this tickles me.


*please note I cannot remember or find where I found this years ago. Despite trying to find the link, I have been unable... if you come across it, please let me know, so I can give due credit.

What I heard my pastor say on Sunday:

"raise your hand...tired...weary...raising children"

Surely, and without pride, up goes my hand.

And only my hand.

The pastor asked me what else I lie about...

An elder laughs.

A friend four rows behind me busts out with "I knew it!"

Adam leans over and whispers:

"yeah, that was a negative question Jen."

Turns out, what he'd actually said was

"Raise your hand if you never feel tired or wearing raising children."

Amy has a habit of tacking on a sentence to every request, because, for some reason, she thinks it holds weight...

"Fweeze? I be your best fwend!"

We're trying to encourage her that this isn't the best attitude to have when asking people for something.

Actual conversation that took place on Friday after I told her that no, she couldn't have what she wanted...

Amy: "My not your best fwend, then"
Me: "I'm not here to be your friend, I'm here to be your mother"
Amy: "My find another mother"
Me: *eyebrow raise* "Will you now?"
Amy: "yes"

I walked to the front door, opened it, gestured...
Me: "off you go then".

She walked out, and only made it to the end of the driveway before she started crying. I watched her out the window until she came back to the door, and she informs me...

Amy: "My can't find another mother"
Me: "Can't you?"
Amy: *shakes her head*
Me: "Would you like to come back home?"
Amy: *Nods yes*
Me: "Ok. I love you!"
Amy: *trots back inside* "Love you mummy!"

It was hilarious :)

Australian Citizenship Test

The Australian citizenship test has been designed to assist people who want to become Australian citizens gain an understanding of Australia’s values, traditions, history and national symbols.

The test is an important part of ensuring that migrants have the capacity to fully participate in the Australian community as citizens and maximise the opportunities available to them in Australia. It will promote social cohesion and successful integration into the community.


Test Rules

There are some basic rules which you must follow during the test:

- Test is timed - You will be allowed 45 minutes to complete the test (or 90 minutes in the case of an assisted test). No additional time will be made available.

- This is a closed book test - You must not bring any test resource material into the testing centre (this includes note paper, the Becoming an Australian Citizen resource book, study notes, etc).

- Personal belongings may be taken into the test site however these must be stored under the desk for the duration of the test. Mobile phone sand all other electronic /communicationgaming equipment should be switched off while you are within the test centre.


If you do not follow these rules, you may be asked to leave the test centre and may have to sit the test again.

Test Questions


You may begin writing only once you are advised to do so by the test supervisor.

(1) Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin, of the term “died in the arse”? Explain the meaning:
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

(2) What is a “bloody little beauty”?
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

(3) Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey? Yes / No

(4) Explain the following passage:

In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a Barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a Barney and a bit of biffo.
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________

(5) Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and taking a slash?
___________________________________________________________

(6) Complete the following sentences:

(a) If the van's rockin' don't bother _____________________________
(b) You're going home in the back of a ___________________________
(c) Fair crack of the ________________________________________

(7) I've had a gutful and I can't be farked. Discuss
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

(8) Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie? Yes / No

(9) Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl? Yes / No

(10) Do you or your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or Kai see Ming? Yes / No

(11) What are the ingredients in a rissole?
__________________________________________________________

(12) Describe the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

(13) Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke? Yes / No

(14) In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice? Yes / No

(15) When you go to a bring-your-own-meat Barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
__________________________________________________________

(16) What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
___________________________________________________________

(17) Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots? Yes / No

(18) Is it possible to prang a car while doing circle work? Yes / No

(19) Who would you like to crack on to?
___________________________________________________________

(20) Who is the most Australian (pick one answer):

(a) Kevin "Bloody" Wilson
(b) John "True Blue" Williamson
(c) Kylie Minogue
(d) Warnie


(21) Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool? Yes / No

(22) What do the phrases “sinkin piss at a mates joint” and “gettin paraletic” mean?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________

Please submit this paper back to the test supervisor when you have had a fair crack.







**This was an email sent through to me. I do not know its source.**

I desperately wanted braces.

I know.

I've always been sensitive about my teeth. I used to have really large gaps in them. My parents always said no, because, aparently, my wisdom teeth would push them together. (ps. it didn't happen) While they have closed up significantly, they are still a sore point with me. Especially when someone I hadn't seen for a decade ran into me and promptly sai "Oh! You've grown into your teeth!"

Hmm. Thanks for that.

I have a ski-jump nose. I'm actually starting to think I have a big nose, but the hubsand is adamant that it was just the angle of the photo. I remember being told once that they didn't like people with up-pointy noses, because it meant they were snobby.

Righty.

When I was in about 8th grade (and for an undisclosed time afterwards) I used to put rubberbands around my top teeth, thinking my home made dental retainer just might help matters.

Somewhere inbetween 8th and 10th grades I became so fed up with peoples jibes about my nose, I thought I'd better do something about it.

So I tried to file it down.

Oh, yes I did.

With an emery board no less.



Wasn't the tweens a fun time?






That was sarcastic, by the way.

1. social media (like, the people who have a twitter, fb, blog(s), myspace, linkedin, jabber blah blah blah)
2. p0rn
3. curling
4. Steriotypical Americans (of which we know none. Just so you know.)

The show gives the guests 5 things, but Adam had to go to work.

I don't have many things that I have a total abhorance for, but I think my selections would be (keeping in mind that you need to be able to joke about it, so human trafficking and childhood cancer is out):

1. Spiders
2. Prosti-tots (you know, the 12 year old little girls dressed like streetwalkers)
3. Brussels Sprouts
4. Crocs
5. Cameron Diaz

What about you? I'd love to see the things that you would cast into the room.

Adam started Operation: Skinny-Up on Monday, and yesterday was his first work out session with my brother, who is a trained PT for the Navy.


He's a bit buff.

Adam called me on the way home and said three words

"He's a bastard."

Anyway, he got home and went promptly to the shower, sitting down in it with the stream of water flowing over him.

Eli, thinking that Daddy was having a bath, figured he wasn't doing it right, after seeing me have a few, and bought him a book.

How is that for awesomesauce?